How to be A Twitter Creeper in A Few Simple Steps!

by E.V. Jacob on March 17, 2014

Twitter is a great place to connect the like-minded, learn about different subjects, and just have some fun! But if you want to take your Twitter friendships to a whole new level, you should consider becoming a Twitter stalker.

But where do you start?  How should you go about it? I’m glad you asked! I’ve encountered my fair share of Twitter creepers, and here’s what I’ve learned about the art of being disturbing:

Tweet to the people you’re stalking. A LOT.

It’s important that you tweet the object of your focus periodically, especially if it’s for no reason at all. In fact, the more out-of-the-blue your frequent tweeting is, the better.  Respond to tweets, but also tweet them in relation to nothing at all. Do this OFTEN. Like, at least 30 times a day—more if they’re unresponsive.

Ask a lot of personal, out of context questions.

While normal Twitter friends share details of their lives in conversation, rest assured that you can find a way to be creepy about this. Namely by asking questions you have no need to know the answer to on subjects that haven’t come up in conversation naturally.

Make sure you ask for details the person has given no indication of wanting share.  The more invasive, the better.  Also, ask random questions throughout the day, outside of any conversation, like, “How’s your morning?” or “What are we having for lunch today?” (Note, the “we”—that brings us to our next point…)

Link yourself to them at every possible opportunity.

Do they breathe air? OMG SO DO YOU.  Latch on to any similarities in television programs, books, music, hobbies, food choices, etc., and bring them up often.  Exaggerate the importance of these similarities, insinuating that you could be “twins” or “would be perfect together.”  They’ll love that.

Talk about meeting in person. A lot.

Bring this subject up as early as you can in your Twitter relationship and keep bringing it up. Tell them how much you wish you lived closer, and how you’d hang out ALL THE TIME if you lived closer, and how you’d be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.

The more they ignore you, THE MORE YOU TWEET THEM.

Tell them about your day, everything from when you got up to what you’re watching after work. Put on some music? Tweet them about it! Cleaning the kitchen? Tweet them about it! Use any and every excuse to contact them, even if it has no real logic. ESPECIALLY if it had no real logic.

Pester them about following you back.

Has the object of your Twitter affections not followed you back yet, despite days or even weeks of you tweeting them non-stop? This is definitely a subject you should bring up periodically. If they’re nice enough, you can guilt them into following back!

Tell them how great you’d treat them if they were your boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend/etc…

Whether they’re single or attached, make it known that you would treat them like a KING/QUEEN.  Tell them this a lot, and give specific, detailed examples about how you’d do nice things to make them happy.

This is made even more effective if you can squeeze in a word or two about how their friends/family/significant other simply isn’t good enough for them.  They’re sure to appreciate your opinions on their life.

Offer to do things that are way out of line.

Did they have a rough day? If they tweet about it, jump in there and offer to help! Tell them you’ll fly out to them and give them a foot massage, or bake them a cake.  People like to be made to feel important, so tell them how important they are to you and make it a point to offer, quite frequently, to fix their life for them.

Greet them at all hours of the day.

Make sure you send “good morning” and “good night” tweets every day. Throw in others, wishing them a nice afternoon, or evening, as often as you can.

Tell them how attractive they are.

A LOT. Make it very clear by stating as explicitly as you can how very attractive they are. Go onto detail–their eyes, their hair, their smile…all of that.

If they ignore you, use social pressure to get a response.

If you’re doing your job right, they’ll be creeped out by this point, but if they’ve been too nice to block you yet, then they’re probably at least trying to ignore you, hoping you’ll “get the clue”.

Silly thing—stalkers don’t care about clues!  You’re not interested in how THEY feel about you, you just want them all to yourself!

So if they’re ignoring you, corner them with DMs or, if they’re not following you, jump into their conversations with others.  Watch their feed and see when they’re actively chatting, then jump on in! Bonus points if your addition is unrelated to the original discussion!

Don’t be discouraged by the fact that some toned-down aspects of each of these behaviors appear in all healthy, enjoyable relationships and friendships—by taking it a step (or two, or five) further than boring, normal people do, you can quickly and easily achieve creeper status, and become a frequently-blocked Twitter stalker today!!

  • Daevone

    This is pure blogging gold. I loved every word of it. Well written and well worked, Eve.

    • http://www.ravenhartpress.com/ Eve Jacob

      LOL! Thank you, Daevone :D Glad you enjoyed it ;) (I got quite a kick out of writing it, haha)

  • Owen Mazor

    I thought I was creepy, but this is genuinely horrifying. Oh my.

    • http://www.ravenhartpress.com/ Eve Jacob

      There are some special snowflakes out there, man.

  • http://www.christiney.com/ christiney

    Hey~ I can totally come out and give you a foot message *wink wink*
    hahahahah ><

    • http://www.ravenhartpress.com/ Eve Jacob

      Christine, IF ONLY WE LIVED CLOSER, WE COULD HANG OUT EVRY DAY AND I’D BAKE YOU CAKES AND WE’D BE BEST FRIENDS *FOREVER*

      • http://www.christiney.com/ christiney

        Cakes? Cakes!? *starts packing bags* #YouBroughtThisUponUrself #CAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEESSS

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